When Receiving Feedback, Take Notes Instead of Getting Defensive

When someone points out something about my work, my heart reacts first. It takes less than a second for “That happened because...” to come out of my mouth. But the moment I make an excuse in that one second, the other person stops giving honest feedback.

Defensiveness Is Instinctive, Note-Taking Is a Choice

The urge to defend yourself is not wrong in itself. But you need to practice sending that energy to your hands, not your mouth. When you pick up a pen and start writing things down, your brain begins looking for sentences to record instead of sentences to argue back with.

Only 3 Things to Write Down

• The exact key words the other person used (write the original words as they are, without interpreting them)
• The specific situation or example (when and in what work they felt that way)
• One action you will change next time (not an abstract resolution, but a concrete behavior)

The first one is especially important. If someone says your work is “vague,” do not translate it in your head into “I’m not like that.” Write down the word “vague” exactly as it was said. The moment you insert your own interpretation, defensiveness has already begun.

3 Sentences to Use on the Spot

1. As you listen, pick up a pen and lower your gaze to your notes (remove the chance to argue while making eye contact)
2. If a rebuttal comes to mind, write it in the corner of your notes and contain it for a moment
3. After listening, ask back, “So what you mean is ○○, right?”
4. Finish with, “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll try applying it.”
5. When you are alone, look over your notes again and calmly separate what you agree with from what you do not

The final step is the key. You do not have to accept every piece of feedback. But that judgment should be made after your emotions have settled, when you are alone. In the moment, the goal is simply to become the person who records it first.