Questions to Ask Yourself When You Are Considering a Breakup
"Should I break up, or should I hold on?" If this question has been circling in your mind for days, what you need right now is neither an impulsive decision nor vague endurance. When the waves of emotion have settled, it is time to calmly ask yourself a few questions.
| Section | Key summary |
|---|---|
| Introduction | When the waves of emotion have settled, it is time to calmly ask yourself a few questions |
| 7 questions to answer in writing | Is the problem with this person caused by 'one specific incident' or by 'a repeating pattern'? |
| Distinguishing between 'problems that can change' and 'problems that will not change' | Short key point |
| Try having a final conversation like this | "Lately, I’ve been feeling very worn out because of our relationship |
| Be careful about making decisions on exhausted days | It is better to write down important decisions when your emotions have settled a little |
First, check whether you are in the right state to decide
7 questions to answer in writing
- Is the problem with this person caused by 'one specific incident' or by 'a repeating pattern'?
- Over the past month, were there more moments when you felt happy together, or more moments when things felt difficult?
- Have I honestly told them what I hope will change? If I have, how did they respond?
- If we broke up, what would I miss the most, and what would feel the most relieving?
- Is the reason I want to leave now that 'I dislike this person,' or that 'I am exhausted'?
- If I looked back on this moment one year from now, which choice would I support?
- What is the 'one thing' I cannot give up in this relationship, and is it being protected?
Distinguishing between 'problems that can change' and 'problems that will not change'
| Possible to adjust (room for improvement through conversation) | Difficult to adjust (repeated or core issues) |
|---|---|
| Differences in contact frequency and dating style | Broken trust, such as lies or cheating |
| Occasional arguments, poor emotional expression | Lack of respect, such as verbal abuse or control |
| Differences in hobbies and lifestyle patterns | Clashes in life direction, such as marriage or children |
Try having a final conversation like this
- "Lately, I’ve been feeling very worn out because of our relationship. I’m starting to feel that we can’t keep going like this."
- "I’ve hoped several times that ○○ would change. How do you feel about it?"
- "I want to honestly hear whether we are both willing to try changing this together."
Considering a breakup can also mean that you have taken this relationship seriously. As you answer these questions honestly, you may realize that the answer was already in your heart most of the time. Whatever choice you make, the decision that does not make you lose yourself is ultimately the right one.
Be careful about making decisions on exhausted days
When you are considering a breakup, first check whether you are in a state where you can make a decision. Right after a late-night fight, on a day when you have not slept, or after drinking, your mind can easily swing to extremes. It is better to write down important decisions when your emotions have settled a little.
When answering these questions, do not write only about the other person’s faults. Also look at what kind of person you are becoming inside this relationship. If you keep shrinking, walking on eggshells, and seeing your own life fall apart, that is also an important sign.