Five Questions to Ask Yourself Before Considering Getting Back Together
Do you miss that person, or do you miss that period of your life?
Two or three months after a breakup, loneliness can make your memories look better than they were. Your mind edits and replays only the good moments, so it feels as if everything would be fine if you got back together. But many reunited couples break up again for the same reasons. Before you contact your ex on impulse, write your answers to the five questions below on paper. If you only think about them in your head, your emotions will manipulate the answer.
| Section | Key summary |
|---|---|
| Do you miss that person, or do you miss that period of your life? | But many reunited couples break up again for the same reasons |
| Five questions | Can you state the main reason you broke up in one sentence? |
| Turning the five questions into a score | Short key point |
| Wait just two weeks before reaching out | Write “I want to contact them” in a notes app and wait for two weeks |
| Loneliness and the will to reconcile are different | When loneliness is intense, you want to return to someone familiar |
Five questions
- Can you state the main reason you broke up in one sentence? If not, it is likely loneliness.
- Has that reason actually changed? Instead of hoping, “It’ll be better next time,” look for concrete evidence that one of you has genuinely changed.
- Are you truly unhappier now on your own than you were with that person? Do not confuse loneliness with unhappiness.
- When you tell a friend you are getting back together with that person, do you feel clear and confident, or do you start making excuses? If the excuses get long, your heart already knows the answer.
- Could you handle it if the same thing happened again after getting back together? Ask not “Will it be different this time?” but “Would I still be okay if it happened again?”
Turning the five questions into a score
| Question | Positive sign for reconciliation | Warning sign |
|---|---|---|
| Reason for breakup | Clearly written and resolved | Cannot really remember |
| Evidence of change | Concrete behavioral change exists | Only verbal promises |
| My current self | Independent and stable | Afraid of being alone |
| When telling others | Can explain confidently | Start with excuses |
| Chance of repetition | Could handle it even if it happens again | Absolutely could not bear it |
Wait just two weeks before reaching out
Even if many of your answers to the five questions point in a positive direction, do not reach out on impulse. Write “I want to contact them” in a notes app and wait for two weeks. If you still feel the same after two weeks, there is a good chance it is sincerity rather than loneliness. If you actually decide to send something, start with a light one-liner such as “How have you been? You crossed my mind,” and never begin with “Let’s start over.”
Loneliness and the will to reconcile are different
When considering reconciliation, the first thing to distinguish is whether you miss that person or whether being alone feels hard. When loneliness is intense, you want to return to someone familiar. But if the reason you broke up remains unchanged, getting back together is likely to repeat the same scenes.
If you are thinking about getting back together, first check what you can do differently rather than simply wanting to return to the past. A promise that only you will change, or an expectation that only the other person will change, is hard to sustain.