How to Stop Worrying So Much About What Other People Think
When we leave food on our plate at a restaurant or scan people’s faces after a presentation, we often feel as if an invisible camera is on us. In reality, people are not watching us nearly as closely as we imagine. Other people’s gaze feels heavy not because of the gaze itself, but because we hand over our entire sense of worth to it.
| Section | Key summary |
|---|---|
| Introduction | In reality, people are not watching us nearly as closely as we imagine |
| The Illusion That 'Everyone Is Looking at Me' | But the person next to you is busy thinking about their own worries and mistakes |
| What to Check When You Feel Watched | Even if the worst judgment were true, would it affect your life a year from now? |
| 4 Steps to Take One Step Back from Other People’s Gaze | Step 1: The moment you feel self-conscious, write the criticism in your head as one sentence |
| Practicing Your Own Standards | Other people’s gaze becomes stronger when your own inner standards are unclear |
| The First Step to Reducing the Weight of Other People’s Gaze Is Asking for Evidence | The moment you ask for evidence, your imagination gets a little smaller |
The Illusion That 'Everyone Is Looking at Me'
In psychology, this refers to the tendency to feel that others are paying far more attention to us than they actually are. But the person next to you is busy thinking about their own worries and mistakes. Try recalling what a stranger you passed on the street yesterday was wearing. You probably barely remember. To others, you stand out about that much too.
What to Check When You Feel Watched
- That criticism that just came to mind: did someone actually say it, or is it a line you invented?
- Even if the worst judgment were true, would it affect your life a year from now?
- If you were in that person’s place, would you really care that much?
4 Steps to Take One Step Back from Other People’s Gaze
- Step 1: The moment you feel self-conscious, write the criticism in your head as one sentence. Example: 'People will think my presentation was clumsy.'
- Step 2: Add 'I am having the thought that...' in front of that sentence. A 'fact' turns into a 'thought.'
- Step 3: Deliberately do something 'slightly awkward.' Take your time choosing from the menu at a cafe, or go out with a small stain on your clothes. Confirm with your body that the world does not collapse.
- Step 4: Once a day, ask, 'Who am I doing this for?' and create one action you decide based on your own standards.
Practicing Your Own Standards
Other people’s gaze becomes stronger when your own inner standards are unclear. Every evening, write down 'one moment today when I felt satisfied with myself.' It should not be something someone else praised, but something you personally felt was fine. The clearer this standard becomes, the lighter external evaluations feel.
Sensitivity to other people’s gaze is a habit that can be reduced. As you repeat the exercises above, you will gradually do more things you used to avoid because you were afraid of being seen. However, if merely standing in front of people makes your heart feel as if it will burst and limits your daily life, it is worth working through it with a professional.
The First Step to Reducing the Weight of Other People’s Gaze Is Asking for Evidence
When you worry about other people’s eyes on you, separate 'Are they really looking at me?' from 'Do I just feel that way?' Someone with a stiff expression during your presentation may not be judging you; they may simply be tired. The moment you ask for evidence, your imagination gets a little smaller.
Practicing your own standards is also necessary. At the end of the day, write down one scene where you felt okay about yourself, rather than something someone else praised. Once you have an internal standard, you are less shaken by a single expression from someone else.