Keeping Emotional Distance from Other People’s Approval
Why can one remark ruin an entire day?
Even after giving a good presentation, one person’s blank expression can stay on your mind all day. Hearing one criticism louder than nine compliments is close to a human default setting. The problem is the habit of staking your entire worth on that one remark.
| Section | Key summary |
|---|---|
| Why can one remark ruin an entire day? | Hearing one criticism louder than nine compliments is close to a human default setting |
| Separating what I saw from the interpretation in my mind | When your emotions are shaken, try separating what happened from the meaning you attached to it |
| Creating my own evaluation checklist | To move away from other people’s approval, you need your own standards to rely on instead |
| Other people’s reactions are information, not a verdict | But they should not become a verdict that determines your entire worth |
Wanting to be recognized is natural in itself. But when it becomes the only yardstick, you end up always handing the remote control for your mood to someone else.
Separating what I saw from the interpretation in my mind
When your emotions are shaken, try separating what happened from the meaning you attached to it. “My team leader asked me to look at the report again” is a fact, while “I am incompetent” is an interpretation you added. An interpretation is not a fact; it is something you can choose.
- Step 1: Write the upsetting situation in one sentence. Example: “My friend did not respond to my photo.”
- Step 2: Among them, underline only the objective facts that could be captured by a camera. Only “did not respond” is a fact.
- Step 3: Write down the interpretation you added separately. Example: “They dislike me; I am not good enough.”
- Step 4: Write 3 other possible explanations besides that interpretation. “They were busy, they did not see it, they plan to respond later.”
- Step 5: Rank the 4 explanations from most to least likely, and mark an X next to the harshest interpretation.
- Step 6: Finally, write “Will this still matter a week from now?” and rate it from 0 to 10.
Creating my own evaluation checklist
To move away from other people’s approval, you need your own standards to rely on instead. Choose 3 values you want to uphold today, and check only those before going to sleep. The authority to evaluate yourself will gradually move back toward you.
| My standard | Today’s practice | Score (1~5) |
|---|---|---|
| Diligence | Did I avoid putting off the work assigned to me? | |
| Kindness | Did I treat one person warmly? | |
| Honesty | Did I speak honestly? |
If fear of other people’s eyes keeps making daily life or relationships difficult, seeking professional counseling to examine its roots together can also be a good choice.
Other people’s reactions are information, not a verdict
Both praise and criticism are information you can refer to. But they should not become a verdict that determines your entire worth. The more you inflate one person’s expression, one sentence of feedback, or one rejection into your whole existence, the more your mind is pulled around by other people’s hands.
To distance yourself from approval, you need your own standards. Choose three attitudes you want to uphold today, and check only those before going to sleep. This is practice in gradually bringing the center of evaluation back toward yourself.